WEIRDLAND: Post-Oscar Questions

Monday, February 23, 2009

Post-Oscar Questions

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon attend the 2009 Vanity Fair Oscar party hosted by Graydon Carter at the Sunset Tower Hotel on February 22, 2009 in West Hollywood, California. More pictures of Jake with Reese in

"I was left with some questions. Here they are:

1. Why hasn't Hugh Jackman been hosting this event for the past ten years (humma-humma-humma) . . . and why can't I do him? (That's not really two questions; one is rhetorical.)
2. Am I the only person who thinks the whole premise of Slumdog Millionaire is a monstrous copout . . . and wonders if any Dell employees served as extras in the movie?
3. Why the hell was Heidi Klum in the audience?
4. Who will remember any of the winners a year from now?
5. How badly do people sweat and/or itch and/or gasp for breath in those clothes?
6. Who paid for this shindig?
7. Am I the only person creeped out by that Benjamin Button movie? And Brad Pitt?
8. Why did documentaries with less than provocative subject matter (a tightrope walker and a girl with a cleft palate) win awards?
9. Who picked the clothes for a.) the presenter chick who looked like a 1960s tube of pallid pink lipstick, b.) the doofus with the skewed tie whose suitcoat was ready to pop a button into the camera, c.) the presenter chick whose dress looked like a bad case of corn smut?
10. Did that kiss they showed from Milk only seem like a squeamishly off-center smooch between two straight guys . . . or was it really?
11. Do attendees lust after people who aren't their dates?
12. Why can't I stomach Ben Stiller, and why won't he go away?13. How did a spud like Reese Witherspoon ever score with Jake Gyllenhaal . . . and why can't I do him?
14. Who could dispute the fact that Sean Penn gave the best acceptance speech ever, which began with "You commie, homo-loving sons of guns" and swung into "I want you to know that I know how hard I make it for you to appreciate me"?
15. Why did Heath Ledger have to die?"
Jake with Sean Penn at the Vanity Fair’s 15th Oscar party.

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